Autumn...God's Carnival, without the Germs

I love Autumn...the crisp, cool days. Brilliant red, orange and gold leaves on trees. Pumpkins, acorns, chili and Halloween candy. Campfires, roasted hot dogs and s'mores...

When I was a child, I was never very keen on going to the state fair or the traveling carnival, because I'm a certified Germ-o-Phobe who also suffers from a distinct and total aversion to stickiness.

I know it's not exactly part of Carny Culture to disinfect the Tilt-A-Whirl or sanitize the cotton candy machine in between gigs; stickiness and road grime are part of the attraction, that bit of walking on the wild side, that je ne sais quois...as in, I don't know what this yellow, steaming blob is that's stuck to my shoe...

For me, Autumn is the Germ-Free, Non-Sticky alternative to the local carnival. Glorious leaves blaze against October's blue skies, rivaling the bright lights of any Midway. The kiss of the season's first cold wind against my cheek is as thrilling as that of any boy's, atop the Ferris wheel...without the motion sickness.

I'll take campfire-roasted hot dogs over stale carny corn dogs any day; I'd rather have the juice of a crunchy, pick-your-own apple tickling my chin than angel-hair strands of pink cotton candy that gets stuck in my hair and everybody else's.

But I'll admit, there's a price to pay for this germlessness: no Two-Headed Goats, or Bearded Woman (my middle-aged tufts notwithstanding), or Haunted Houses. In exchange, you get to keep your hard-earned $20, instead of throwing it away, literally, in the form of little plastic rings that never, ever land around the neck of those milk bottles, so you could win a prize.

The sights, smells and strangeness of carnivals and fairs have their place...it's just not a place I care to go to, now that I have a choice. I suppose I could venture out of OCD Land and bring along my hand sanitizer, but that kind of defeats the purpose.

In any case, enjoy this autumn and all its glory, whatever that means to you. I'll be eating candy corn and chili dogs in the germ-free haven of my backyard...at least, until the dog licks my hand, and then all bets are off.