Hell Hath No Fury Like a Carbohydrate Scorned...

I'm on Day 8 of Evil Phase One on the South Beach Diet...this is the second time I've done SoBeach, and it really does work, if you don't mind spending $3000 a month on groceries, or taking your entire day to read cookbooks and make shopping lists. Guess if you're doing that, you're too busy to eat.

But I'd give my left breast for a piece of bread or a jelly donut right now! This time I'm really gonna try to stick to the program for more than a month, so I don't have to spend my 50s in a little wheeled cart, although that would be great exercise for my dogs. Wouldn't that be cute, they could pull me in a little pink cart to the grocery store for more chocolate...

The South Beach Diet is very sensible, very doable. The recipes are delicious. But let's review, nothing compares to a Big Mac, hot greasy fries, and a real Coke, now, does it? I could talk all day about the health benefits of no-fat Cool Whip, but let's face it, Cool Whip and Jello as a late-night snack isn't in the same ballpark, or even on the same continent, as BlueBell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream topped with Hershey's, am I right? But the diet is working, albeit slowly...if only I'd get off my duff and exercise, I know, I know.

All of this weight-watching has spurred me into a cleaning frenzy...I've cleaned out my pantry, my refrigerator, my catch-all cabinets and drawers. Speaking of drawers, it was like Christmas when I sorted through my underwear drawer and found several practically new pair hidden under the ratty ones. What is it about women, we just can't throw out a pair of underwear, no matter how many holes it sports, if that elastic still holds. It pained me to toss out those tattered undies, but then I was so proud of myself, I felt I deserved a treat.

On the South Beach Diet, your treat options are: celery, no-fat Cool Whip, or string cheese. Dr. Agatston is a great guy, a smart man and thank God for him. But somebody please enroll him in Treat-Eating 101, ok?

So here I sit in my new-found underwear, eating a piece of string cheese. This is now my life. Joy unspeakable...

HOOK 'EM HORNS!

After 35 years, my beloved alma mater, The University of Texas, has won a NCAA National Football Championship title! What a game, I nearly peed my pants dozens of times over, and my poor young son never realized his mommy could scream so loudly at the television. I'm sure I terrified him. Even the dogs ran and hid under the furniture, while I ranted and raved and hooted and hollered, in good Texas Longhorn tradition. I even followed the admonishments of class act Coach Mack Brown, and sang the "real" lyrics to the Texas Fight Song, versus the ones that nearly got Texas banned from national television..."give 'em hell, give 'em hell, Go Horns Go" although I'll always in my heart sing, "make 'em eat s**t!"

The last time I was so privileged at a sporting event for my Longhorns was when I was a mere UT freshman, in 1977, and Earl the Pearl Campbell was making headlines. We didn't win the championship, thanks to Notre Dame, but Earl & company performed well enough that the UT president saw fit to light UT's Tower orange in their honor. As I recall, the resultant street party on "The Drag" in Austin was chaotic, loud, and alcohol flowed freely. Somehow I and my friends made it back to the dorm with our limbs intact. Of course, we cut class for the rest of the week. I mean, every college student worth his Trash Can Punch knows you can't study when your team almost won the national championship! You have to give yourself time to grieve!

This go-round, there was no alcohol, since I recently went over to The Dark Side, and started the South Beach Diet. In fact, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper was my drink of choice (ok, not really my choice, it's Dr. Agatston's) for this championship event. There was no popcorn, no hot dogs slathered with mustard, no hot pretzels or alien-orange cheese nachos, no beer...there was instead sugar-free Jello with non-fat Cool Whip, and when that didn't cut it, we cracked open the peanuts and counted out 20 each, as per the daily SoBeach allotment. Ah, to relive the joys of a misspent youth...

But for this game, despite the lack of culinary delights, despite the absence of flasks of Jack Daniel's hidden in our cowboy boots, or the lack of cuss words or the sight of total strangers kissing to celebrate every touchdown, we WON! And I watched every second in HiDef living color, in the comfort of my recliner, with my 2 favorite people in the whole world. InVinceable Young and boys pulled it out in a nail-biter that made my orange blood run fast and proud. And I won five bucks from my dad, who refuses to root for Texas, since he's from Oklahoma, and, well, that just doesn't fly with those Sooners. Yep, 2006 is already a great year!

Here's to all the #2s out there who strive to be #1! Take heart, you can do it. Never give up, believe in miracles, and be true to your school. All year, my Texas flag has flown proudly on my front porch, and a Longhorn decal has adorned my car rear window, now for the payoff. Just think...all the money I saved on game-time party groceries can be spent on National Championship Longhorn merchandise...Lordy be, point me to that University Co-Op website and hand me my MasterCard!