Bunkie's Law of Mopping: The amount of mud a dog will track into the house is directly proportional to the number of minutes you just spent mopping said floor, factoring in the time that the dog in question looked through the back door and watched you perform said task.

I guess I don't mind the mud all that much; big muddy dog footprints on the carpet do remind me of chocolate. Eventually all the light beige carpet in the house will be chocolate-colored, I'm certain. I used to obsess about the spots on the carpet, but now, as a Big Girl Who Has Freed Herself from Toxic Behavior, I simply don't consider the carpet as carpet. It has now, in the wasteland that has become my mind, transformed into a room-sized ice cream sundae, with the carpet, of course, being said ice cream. Today my carpet reminds me of Butter Pecan. Tomorrow, I may throw caution to the wind and see a large bowl of French Vanilla.

The various and sundry tracks, spots and stains on the carpet are no longer a sore spot; in my new fantasy world, they simply represent assorted ice cream toppings. Those red Kool-Aid stains? Pshaw, they're cinnamon hearts. The purple crayon shavings? Rainbow sprinkles. Ah, yes, there are the dog tracks, the double chocolate fudge on the sundae. Oh, look, there's a Tootsie Roll...wait a minute...there's nothing worse than a dog who interrupts my fantasy with a steaming dose of reality.

If your dogs represent Vengeance Personified, like mine, do yourself a favor and buy some "Spot Shot" spray...this stuff works MIRACLES, I'm serious. And it's so gratifying, you can actually see it working mere seconds after you've sprayed it. There's nothing more fulfilling than showing your dog the place where the horrible pet stain used to be, after it has been completely obliterated, thanks to Spot Shot. HA, I'm the Person! I am Superior! You may have won the battle, but I will win the War! (Yeah, I know the dog knows the stain is still in the carpet pad, but my mother-in-law can't see it, ok?)

Since we're on the subject of dogs, and as I own two of the extremely large, barking variety, here's another pet peeve: getting tangled in leashes. When my husband takes our dogs for a walk, to paraphrase the great Dave Barry, it's akin to the excitement surrounding the Liberation of Paris after WWII.

Getting your legs tangled in leather leashes as two hyperactive Labrador Retrievers circle you in a frenzy is not exactly what I call a good time, particularly if your fingers are anywhere in there...we need those digits intact, not snapped off on the garage floor due to the manic behavior of a beloved pet.

A friend of mine, Katrina, is brilliant and has developed the "Double-Dog Leash." These leashes are the hottest thing to hit the pet market in years, and you've gotta get one if you have dog(s).

Click here to go to www.double-dogleashes.com and save your legs as well as your digits.

Well, gotta run, gotta go mop the floor...I wonder if my husband would agree with me that the tile strongly resembles a bowl of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough with sprinkles?

YIKES! It's almost April Fool's Day...or as they say in France, "Poisson d'avril" or "April Fish."

Don't forget to fool your friends...steal their chocolate!

Spring has sprung and I'm dreaming of viciously biting the head off a huge chocolate bunny. I'm also dreaming of immersing myself in a veritable river of chocolate, in the midst of my Lenten-inspired "no chocolate" rule...Easter Sunday's gonna bring a heckuva cocoa hangover, I can't wait.

We always crave the thing we aren't supposed to have...in my case, after several weeks without my favorite food, you might think I'd be craving luscious truffles, or a fantastically rich chocolate cake, but truth be told, the thing I've missed the most is a good ol' Hershey bar, with almonds. Nothing like 'em, nothing compares. Bar none. (sorry, had to be done).

This is really not very fair, but I just can't bring myself to trust anyone who doesn't like chocolate. Now I fully exclude those in this category who are morbidly allergic to the stuff, so don't go whining to me about how you get unsightly hives and suffer anaphylactic shock if you even unwrap a Milk Dud...(maybe there's your problem, Milk Duds ain't the real thing, they're processed. Next time try a Hershey bar).

And I'm not saying that you should only eat chocolate...there's always room for desserts from the non-chocolate variety. It's just that given the choice between a creme brulee and a hot fudge sundae, I gotta hang with the fudge option. If offered a vanilla cone and a vanilla cone dipped in hard-shell chocolate, well, you get the picture.

Chocolate is the stuff of dreams, the essence of our existence, the cure for all things female when female things go astray. In 12 days, I shall be awash in chocolate, cocoa will ooze from my pores.
Maybe next year I'll give up vanilla....

Why am I having so much trouble with this silly thing?

Click here to go to my website, Bunkielynn.com, to view my BIG GIRL NOTEPADS!

Ok, let's try this again.

Here is the link to my website, Bunkielynn.com

Check it out and click on "Books & Gifts" to preview the BIG GIRL NOTEPADS! Get yours online at my site today, a must-have for every woman who loves chocolate and hates to exercise!

Hi fellow Big Girls and Lovers of Chocolate! I'm Bunkie Lynn, humorist and author of The Big Girls' Guide to Life, a Plus-Sized Jaunt through a Body-Obsessed World.

Women of all sizes who have ever faced weight issues, hormonal fluctuations, jerky relationships and the unkindness of strangers will laugh out loud at my tongue-in-cheek "advice" on How to Live Life as a Big Girl with Attitude!. You can order the book at Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble.com, or get it at any bookstore.

Welcome to my Blog...featuring Daily Drivel inspired by my favorite food group, Chocolate. The other 3 Main Big Girl food groups are Red Wine, Garlic & Dessert, but by far, Chocolate is the one that gets us through the day, isn't it?

Check out my website at www.bunkielynn.com for info about me, my books, my appearances, and what makes my world go 'round.

Daily Drivel for Monday, March 29:

Why is it that I, a middle-aged Big Girl, can just LOOK at a carbohydrate and that carbohydrate will automatically attach itself to my thighs? Let's review how much I'd give right now for a chocolate chip cookie (ok, I'm actually craving the entire box) but my orthopedic surgeon has advised me to stay on the South Beach Diet, otherwise known as The Beached Whale Diet, because if I don't lose some weight, I'll be pulling myself around in a little cart, and this is not an easy thing for a Big Girl without much upper body strength to accomplish.

Ok, so I've lost 16 pounds. Big whoop! I've got double-digits to go and there are just so many ways you can cook lettuce to make it appealing, you know? I'd give my left mammary for a big plate of Southern fried chicken, mashed taters n' gravy, a coupl'a Cathead biscuits with honey, and a big cold glass of milk. But instead, I have this to look forward to: A plateful of lettuce, cucumbers and celery, topped with a dry chicken breast and 1 microgram of salad dressing. Oh, don't let me forget, for dessert, there's a blueberry in there somewhere, I think, with one drop of Cool Whip. Did you realize how many ways there are to use Cool Whip as a dietary supplement? No, I didn't think so.

Well, I've whined away more precious time. But it's my Blog, so get over it or I'll smack you with my celery sticks.

Stay tuned!