Hidden Treasures of the Middle Ages Revealed...aka Bunkie Turns 45

So, yeah, it's been a hectic summer. Oh, get over it, I've been too busy to blog. What's it to ya? Which thrift store did that shirt come from, by the way? Love your shoes, I never realized how lime green sets off horribly cracked heels so well, uh huh. Why in the h*ll is the air conditioner set to 8,000 degrees? Open the freezer door, for God's sake, before I melt! Good grief, are you in training for that pioneer show on PBS, or what? You're kidding, you're out of Coke? Do I look like I want diet? It's my birthday and there's no Coke in this house? That's it, we're going to the store right now. At least there's air conditioning in my car. Get your environmentally-friendly hands off that thermostat! Don't touch that air vent, it took me 3 weeks to adjust it to blow directly on my neck. Oh shut up, you're always cold. Can you believe this music? Well, I don't know why I just said that, they only play commercials. How in the h*ll can you hear the music for all the durn cell phone ads!

HEY! That better not be my Hershey bar in your mouth, sistah! Missed my turn? I did not! I've only driven on this road a bazillion times, I've only lived in this town for twenty years, I think I know where I'm going, okay? I am not going too fast, we're just coasting down a big hill. Oh, *&%#$, there's a cop.

Hello, officer...good grief, did you just graduate from the Academy, or what? Shaving yet, are we? Yes, as a matter of fact, I do know what the speed limit is, and I know that I was nowhere close to it, so just put that little ticket book away right now before I call your mother...she's in my book club. What do you mean, that's your grandmother? Give me a break. Stop calling me "ma'am," I'm not that much older than you.

No, I will not step out of the car! Excuse me? Look, I realize that photo makes me look like Ma Barker, but I really don't see that that's any of your business...you don't know who Ma Barker is? What, they don't teach that in the Academy anymore?

Expired? Lemme see that...oh, please. Today. It expires today. That means I technically have until midnight. Of course I renewed it. By mail, thankyouverymuch. But the masochistic bureaucracy that passes for a postal system in this country probably lost it. Why are you opening that...what are you...why are you writing...yes that's my correct address...oh, please do not tell me...you're gonna give me a ticket on my birthday? Do you realize I'm a taxpayer? Do you realize I pay your salary? That makes me your supervisor! I'm ordering you to stop writing that ticket!

Good grief, this car's out of freon! I'm lucky I didn't pass out from heat exhaustion, the way that stupid twirp made me stand there and answer stupid twirpy questions! And WHY you thought you had to intervene. I was HANDLING it all by myself. He understood me... I really got to him with that "I'm your supervisor" line, trust me, he was already putting that ticket pad away, but no, you had to stick your two cents in, didn't you? What, you think I'm too old to manage my affairs? Dowdy ol' grandma here can't make it in the real world?

I would give my left boob for some chocolate cake right now, wouldn't you?