Why I Need My Fans, by Bunkie Lynn.

Coming off of what was, without a doubt, the head-rushingest week of my writing career, I'd like to say a little "thank you" to my fans, the folks out there in Book Buying Land who make my world go 'round.

What an ego boost when somebody you might not even vaguely remember comes up to you and says, "Wow, I really LOVED your book! I laughed so hard I fell out of bed/the car/my chair. And your speech was hilarious, my stomach hurt, I laughed so much. So...when's the new one coming out?"

Ok, it's no secret some of us work better under pressure, myself included. But geez Louise, I've been going gangbusters now for nigh on 2 years, have 2 books under my belt, and you people want MORE? What about my six-month sabbatical, where I stay at my benefactor's estate in the Caribbean and imbibe an endless stream of umbrella drinks? Oh, yeah, I don't have a benefactor...yet.

So let's play a new game. WHO WANTS TO BE BUNKIE'S BENEFACTOR? You, yes YOU can watch obscene amounts of hard-earned cash go down the drain as Bunkie Lynn, infamous humorist and author, flits and cavorts around your Caribbean (or your preferred location) villa for a few months, all expenses paid by, you guessed it, YOU! Amaze your family, impress your friends with the damage one egotistical author can do in a few scant weeks of hedonistic pleasure.

You say you don't have a villa? Not a problem. How 'bout an apartment in the city? Oh, that's still a little steep for your blood? Why not spring for 3 nights at a cheap hotel in Branson, MO....Ok, look, I'm serious here, how 'bout a Chevy Van with a mattress in the back? Hey, I'm easy, I need a vacation, and I'm open to any and all possibilities.

What do you mean, what's in it for you? You want another hilarious, knock-your-socks-off book, don't you? You think I can just sit around the house in my pj's and think up this stuff? Give me a break, did you fall asleep in 3rd grade vocabulary class, or what? The word "recreation," roughly translated from the ancient, means "to send a promising author on a lengthy and absolutely free vacation, such that said author may rejuvenate, may recharge, may think brilliant thoughts and thereby put pen to paper, to engender laughter among her audience, to wit." (Man, those ancients had a way with words, didn't they?)

Look, you want me to create, I gotta recreate. Hey, nobody ever said being a fan was a picnic, bub. Now, are you gonna shirk your responsibility, or are you gonna step up to the proverbial vacation destination plate and fork over the goods?

Oh well, it was worth a try. Let's do lunch...you buy, I'll fly?