April Fool's Scenarios I Wish Were True:

The President today signed into law Federal Statute BMI-35, making anyone with a Body Mass Index of less than 35 an automatic felon. A critical rider to this statute also calls for the immediate incarceration of any woman suspected to be the result of a genetic mutation between a pretzel stick and a silicone breast implant.

The hamburger chain McDonald's announced plans today to introduce its new "Death Wish" size drinks, French fries, and desserts. In a charitable gesture, these items will be served at no charge to inmates imprisoned as a result of the new federal statute, in an attempt to aid those individuals who, bless them, don't possess a Fat Gene, so they may attain the new ideal Body Mass Index.

In an amazing scientific breakthrough, hot fudge has been proven to cure cancer, Alzheimer's, tuberculosis, HIV, and a host of other communicable diseases. The new Recommended Daily Allowance of Hot Fudge is between 1/2 to 1 full cups per day, for adults. Of critical note is the proven medical fact that it is impossible to eat too much Hot Fudge. The Recommended Daily Allowance of Hot Fudge for Children After Dinner is directly proportional to the amount of sleep the child's parents require.

CBS, ever the trend-setting television network, has announced a new program for its fall lineup; the popular "Survivor" series will now feature ten supermodels who are forced to live in a 1982 Honda Civic and work as waitresses at Old Country Buffet. Any supermodel who refuses to consume a minimum of 3,500 calories per day will be voted out of the dining room and forced to wash dishes with a bleach solution; silk replacement nails and hand lotion are forbidden. The winner will receive a prize package that includes 52 visits to Red Lobster's Fried Catfish Fest, a size 18 tube top, and one year's worth of Toni Home Perms.

and last but not least...

It is now illegal in this country to utter the following phrases: low-carb, fat grams, calories, saturated fat, and "weigh-in." Violators will be forced to spend one night in jail accompanied by their choice of a) Martha Stewart, b) Saddam Hussein, or c) Richard Simmons.

Happy April Fool's Day!