Bunkie's Law of Mopping: The amount of mud a dog will track into the house is directly proportional to the number of minutes you just spent mopping said floor, factoring in the time that the dog in question looked through the back door and watched you perform said task.

I guess I don't mind the mud all that much; big muddy dog footprints on the carpet do remind me of chocolate. Eventually all the light beige carpet in the house will be chocolate-colored, I'm certain. I used to obsess about the spots on the carpet, but now, as a Big Girl Who Has Freed Herself from Toxic Behavior, I simply don't consider the carpet as carpet. It has now, in the wasteland that has become my mind, transformed into a room-sized ice cream sundae, with the carpet, of course, being said ice cream. Today my carpet reminds me of Butter Pecan. Tomorrow, I may throw caution to the wind and see a large bowl of French Vanilla.

The various and sundry tracks, spots and stains on the carpet are no longer a sore spot; in my new fantasy world, they simply represent assorted ice cream toppings. Those red Kool-Aid stains? Pshaw, they're cinnamon hearts. The purple crayon shavings? Rainbow sprinkles. Ah, yes, there are the dog tracks, the double chocolate fudge on the sundae. Oh, look, there's a Tootsie Roll...wait a minute...there's nothing worse than a dog who interrupts my fantasy with a steaming dose of reality.

If your dogs represent Vengeance Personified, like mine, do yourself a favor and buy some "Spot Shot" spray...this stuff works MIRACLES, I'm serious. And it's so gratifying, you can actually see it working mere seconds after you've sprayed it. There's nothing more fulfilling than showing your dog the place where the horrible pet stain used to be, after it has been completely obliterated, thanks to Spot Shot. HA, I'm the Person! I am Superior! You may have won the battle, but I will win the War! (Yeah, I know the dog knows the stain is still in the carpet pad, but my mother-in-law can't see it, ok?)

Since we're on the subject of dogs, and as I own two of the extremely large, barking variety, here's another pet peeve: getting tangled in leashes. When my husband takes our dogs for a walk, to paraphrase the great Dave Barry, it's akin to the excitement surrounding the Liberation of Paris after WWII.

Getting your legs tangled in leather leashes as two hyperactive Labrador Retrievers circle you in a frenzy is not exactly what I call a good time, particularly if your fingers are anywhere in there...we need those digits intact, not snapped off on the garage floor due to the manic behavior of a beloved pet.

A friend of mine, Katrina, is brilliant and has developed the "Double-Dog Leash." These leashes are the hottest thing to hit the pet market in years, and you've gotta get one if you have dog(s).

Click here to go to www.double-dogleashes.com and save your legs as well as your digits.

Well, gotta run, gotta go mop the floor...I wonder if my husband would agree with me that the tile strongly resembles a bowl of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough with sprinkles?